On Forgiving My Toddler

You refused to nap today. You are too young to give up your naps.

You refused to eat … or do anything other than whine.

You’re Jekyll and Hyde. Fine one minute, a mess the next.

I’m 35 weeks pregnant and my emotions mirror yours, I’m on the roller coaster with you.

I get it.

But today I can’t handle it.

I let you cry for an hour in your room while you didn’t nap, and was numb to it probably because I was crying myself.

My heart breaks when your little voice makes such loud, sad sounds, but after repeatedly trying to comfort you and put you down I let you be by yourself, while I listened outside your door.

After your hour of not napping, I did what any respectable adult would do and gave you the silent treatment. You didn’t get it. You ran around me yelling; Slide! Play! Mommy!

You are 2… and I’m 30.

But today I want to curl up in a ball and be held by you. I want you to be OK, and I want to be OK too. I’m tired, and moving slower than I did a few months ago. I know my thoughts and feelings are being driven by pregnancy hormones, emotions that plagued my first pregnancy but have luckily stayed away until now.

Today I can’t.

I can’t play today because I’m angry. I can’t laugh when you do funny things because I’m frustrated.

I’m not proud of this, but I’m being honest with you. It’s called patience, one day you will learn it and today I don’t have it. I don’t want to be angry, and I know it’s selfish that I’m asking you to give me 5 minutes of quiet. But today I need it.

Today it’s hard to forgive you.

I can’t dance around the living room at our normal dance party time or pretend to cook in the kitchen and have a coffee party or play peek a boo behind the curtains. You took the energy out of me and I can’t muster it today.

I want to so very badly. But today it’s hard.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I promise tomorrow I will forgive you.  Tomorrow we will play and sing whatever song is in your heart. Tomorrow I will get you up and make you your favorite breakfast while we talk about how many times we are going to go down the slide together. We will have our normal milk and coffee date and invite all of your stuffed animals to our party.

We both had a bad day today, but tomorrow we will start new and forgive each other.